Wednesday, January 21, 2015

IVF: Mountains of Medicine, Mountains of Hope

I always debate on sharing about this.  I want you all to know that.  Because it's personal, and also, I know that it can make people uncomfortable.  And although I've known about today for a long time, I had already been thinking, 'will I actually share my IVF journey AS I GO through it?', 'What if this doesn't work?' 'What if I'm crazy from the hormones?' 'Do I want people to see all that?'

But after today, I felt that I had no choice.  First of all, blogging helps me.  It allows me to get it out.  My fears, my anxiety, and also my excitement!  Some people may say 'why don't you just journal about it?'.  I could.  But then, I run the risk that I may not be able to help others who are going through the very same thing.  And because I whole heartedly believe that my mission in life is to help, even when it's uncomfortable.  So, to anyone who doesn't like that I'm sharing this, that's why it's in a blog.  You can very easily choose to scroll right past it on your newsfeed.  That choice my friend, is up to you.

Today was a really important day.  Today was my baseline appointment.  This appointment gets the IVF ball rolling.  They draw your blood, give you your meds (more on that in a second!), and also, tell you how to administer the meds.  It's a big day.

And you must know a few things about me.  I HATE needles.  I have a very distinct memory of receiving shots when I was young and having full blown fits where they had to hold me down.  Thankfully, I now resist the urge to have a tantrum and just look away.  Now, I can't even do that.  I'm going to have to look that needle straight on, and poke it into my stomach.  Thankfully, I've got a couple of days to mentally prepare myself (aka worry and worry and worry), about that part.

Also, I've never been in the hospital.  Like, ever.  Except to visit people.  I've had a couple of ER visits, but it wasn't anything major and I was out the door in a couple hours.  Um, also, I really am not good at swallowing pills.  I finally learned how to do it with just water (I used to put it in yogurt), when I was about 18.  So, all in all, I'm pretty wimpy when it comes to anything medical.

Isn't it funny how God challenges us on our weaknesses?  I feel as though He does that to me all the time.  It's like He knows (because He does!) that one little thing that I'm desperately clinging to, and yanks it away.  I have a sneaking suspicion it's so I will rely on Him more, and set my pride aside....I could be way off.  But my pride is telling me I'm right ;)

So, I realize this picture is a bit shocking, but this is ALL of the medicine that I will be using one way or another over the next month.   And, I may get more of it, depending on my hormone levels.  I won't go into what each one is for, it would be kind of boring to most, but I have to tell you, when they gave me the SHOPPING BAG filled with all of these meds, my eyes immediately welled up with tears.  I was so overwhelmed with it.  I thought 'HOW do people actually do this?!  This is SO much!'  Then I went to the injection class.  It was so helpful and thank goodness that they give you one, but whew, it's a lot.  After the class, and about 6 pages of notes, and about 20 questions for the poor nurse, I left the room and sat down in the waiting room staring at that bag, just dreading the whole thing.

But I prayed a little prayer, asking God for strength, and this amazing thing happened.  I looked at that bag, and I saw our little nugget.  And I'm getting teary eyed again just thinking about it.  But that's what I saw, and I was scared out of my mind still, because being a mom still seems like such an amazing but scary job to me, but I was happy.  And just filled with joy.  This is going to be a time in my life that I have no idea what to expect.  This could all go according to plan, or, it may not work at all.  You just don't know.  But either way, I find that I am constantly being taught by God 'It's okay Candice, the only plan you need to know is that I will be here always, I've got it.'  It's so hard to realize that.  We've got our schedulers, our appointments, our notifications dinging on our phones, it's kind of a lot, and it can feel like we don't need anything.  But we do.  And He's there when we open our eyes and finally see Him standing, and waiting, with no schedule, and with open arms.

Thank goodness for that, right?



  1. Sending prayers and hugs your way, focus on one day at a time, one step at a time and you can do it! I never had to deal with anything medical until I had Fi and the thought terrified me and I ended up having a c-section, then gallbladder surgery back-to-back and coming out the other side. Nothing at the level of what you're handling every day but hang in there and remember you will come out on the other side of this!

  2. Hey Em! Thanks so much for that! I think that ANYTHING medical can be pretty intimidating, especially when they start using the word 'surgery'. And goodness having a newborn and recovering from TWO surgeries?! Not fun! I know that it'll be alright, just gotta face those fears and then run head on at them ;) That's my big conclusion for now, haha!


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