Tuesday, April 28, 2015

IVF: Let go of Control. You don't have it anyway.

You know, sometimes in life, we are handed cards that we'd really prefer to toss back into the pile.  If only it were that easy, right?

But what I have found, and what I firmly believe, is that our trials are what pushes us to move forward.  If life was easy, what would we try to do?  It's when things get uncomfortable, sad, frustrating, or even maddening, that we know it is time to change something within US.

This past week was a tough one.  We found out that our embryo transfer didn't work, and, there really wasn't an answer as to 'why'.

I had zero control over it actually working.  Sure, I did everything that I could by following every instruction to a 't' from the doctors, but ultimately, it wasn't up to me.  And man, isn't that such a tough pill to swallow?  It's the things in life that we have no control over that can be shake us to our core.  Things like medical conditions, whether or not we get laid off from our jobs, life and death, crazy accidents, the economy, natural disasters, other people, ha, the list could go ON and ON.

But, here's what this perfectionistic, control freak is starting to learn: I have control over one thing, and one thing only.  Me.

Specifically, my attitude.

I know this is something that we HEAR a lot, but, I want to challenge you today to actually think on whether or not you put it into practice.

A friend once told me (who is also a military spouse), 'the military has a way of ripping away that false sense of control that we had over our lives to begin with.  Now, we see things as they really are, and that is, we are all in God's hands.'

Prior to military, or IVF, or any of these crazy scenarios, we worked typical jobs, lived in a typical 'just married' cute little yellow house, and I had a plan that had mapped out our entire lives.  It consisted of:

-waiting 5 years to have kids (we're going on 8 years now)
-raise our kids in that cute  little yellow house (it was, after all, across the street from an elementary school)
-live our lives in Michigan (we have now moved 4 times in four years)
-work and retire in our perspective positions (my husband joined the military, and I quit practicing as a counselor to be an online fitness coach with BeachBody)

Life. Takes. A. Turn.

Some of these things we actively pursued (like the military), and even when you actively pursue something, it still has a way of surprising you as to how difficult it's going to be.  But, in a lot of ways, it prepared us for IVF, something that we had no idea we would ever have to pursue.

It again has shown me that sure, I have control over bills that I pay, the way that I typically like my day to go, how I make my coffee in the morning.  But the big stuff?  That's not really up to me.  At all.

And you know what?  For the most part, I couldn't be happier with the way things are.

I don't know the reason for our failed cycle, and that, I am most certainly still sad about, and will be so thankful if and when we ever see a clear answer.  But, I do know that I have a husband who has supported and loved me through that process, not to mention family and friends, and, I am a part of a business that I can work from home, and I don't have to worry about the countless days and hours I've had to sacrifice for doctor's appointments, procedures, and surgeries.

There is, however, a peace that I have in all of it.  I have no idea (yet) how we'll pay for the next cycle, but honestly, I'm not sweating it too much,  through our hard work, I have no doubt that a way will be provided.  I don't know if the next cycle will work, but, I do know that we've got the support of family and friends, not to mention, our faith in God.

Am I always sunshine and roses about it all?  Nope.  But, as the days pass on from the initial call that our transfer didn't work, I feel more and more okay, and truly believe that we are a part of a plan that is much larger than us in all of this.  And when I have peace in that, then I just have to believe that our suffering isn't for nothing.  And that there is something to be learned in all of it.

Let go of control.  You don't have it anyway.  Then, find peace.


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