Thursday, April 23, 2015

IVF: Waiting.

It has been with a lot of trepidation that I write this post, because, I so wanted to share good news with you all.  However, I found out earlier this week that the transfer did not work, and we are not pregnant.

Because, you know, when I started all of this, I wanted to inspire others, I wanted to help women that are going through their own trials of infertility, and I can only do that if all of this works, right?  That's what's inspiring, right?  When everything goes the way you think it should?

Clearly, God had other plans.

I won't lie.  I knew as soon as the nurse said 'Hi Candice,' that she had terrible news.  The conversation was short.  Mostly because, I was sobbing, and continued to sob as I got off the phone.  I then called my husband, and had to tell him.  Then that quickly followed to my mom and my sister.

It was a terrible day.

I was so angry.  And, I still am to a degree.  A friend recently was quoting the verse, Psalm 139:16 that says 'you saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.'  She was quoting it in exasperation to her own issue, and I have to say, I felt the same.  I found myself crying out:

'Really God?  Really?' 'You knew about the days and weeks leading up to my embryo transfer, knowing the WHOLE TIME that I would be sitting alone and receive the call that it was all for nothing?  That's what you've got?  That's what you knew about and you didn't warn me?  Didn't give me a clue?  You watched me give myself shot after after shot, appointment after incredibly invasive appointment, and I kept getting the thumbs up from the doctors that everything was perfect.  You watched as I struggled through insane mood swings, weight gain, financial hardship, and it was all leading up to this?  Well, I'll tell you what I think of all of it.  This. Sucks.'

And as I sat there, so angry, and so bitter, and feeling incredibly defeated.  I remembered this verse:

1 Peter 4:12-13

My Dear Friends, do not be surprised by the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But REJOICE inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

I am still sad.  But I'm no longer angry.

You see.  My husband and I, our story's not over yet.  We're right in the thick of it still.  And frankly, I don't get it.  I read stories all the time of people who seem incredibly undeserving to have children.  They mistreat them, abuse them, neglect them, and don't want them.  Gosh.  I don't know the answer for those people either, but I do wish they would see the beautiful and unique gift that they were given.

But, those aren't the kind of questions I should be wondering about.  I think the better questions are, 'what do you want me to learn from this?' and 'who can I help?'  Those are the only ones I can focus on right now, because those are the only ones that I think I'll get an answer to some day.

I get so frustrated when people think 'good things happen to good people', and all that nonsense.  The truth is, that's only half of it.  The Bible actually tells us to EXPECT hard times, in fact, we're told that over, and over, and over.  Because ultimately, there IS glory.  But you're not always going to see it.  In fact, you probably won't see it until you're about ready to give up.  So, good things CAN happen, but, we've got to wait for them.  And when they do happen, my goodness, won't all of the trials make them that much sweeter?

That's what I hang onto, and that's what I believe.  I believe that Jordan and I will be parents, just not right now.  I believe that there is a plan for us, but we have no control over it.  So, we do the thing that I am simply terrible at.  We Wait.

I know that this post is a lot, and I am so sorry if it is upsetting to you.  But, I do believe that couples who go through infertility should have a voice.  And be able to tell the people that they want to tell, and receive support and prayers from as many people as they can, because this is HARD.  It's not like anything I've ever gone through.  I've never had anything that I have worked so hard towards, sacrificed so much, and, you either get everything you hope for, or, you get nothing.  I have no control when life begins or ends, and neither do the thousands of other couples who go through this.  But we all hang onto that phrase, 'it just takes one', and we muster up our courage, and try again.

If you need a voice.  If you want to be heard.  Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, there are so many people like you!  And, I believe there is always hope for each of us.

What comes next for us?  We haven't decided quite yet.  We are seriously considering another cycle later this year, but, for now, we're taking a break, and regrouping from this.  This was tough.

We are so, so thankful to our family and friends, who have talked to us and prayed with us.  My gosh, we couldn't do this without you.  And thank you for your understanding and sensitivity to us.  We love you all so much.


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