Monday, September 28, 2015

IVF and Fear: Pushing Open the Door of My Prison



Today, I wanted to chat about the feelings that you are often left with after IVF.  I've gone through three cycles in 9 months.  That's three times that I've pumped my body full of hormones.  Three times I was told not to workout at all.  Three times that my weight kept piling on.  Three times that I've experienced fear, worry, anxiety and depression.  All of which I dealt with by eating.  Pretty much, going BACK to my old ways.

I tried to eat healthy without working out.  I've gotta tell you.  For me, these two things go hand in hand.  I often have difficulty doing one without the other.  Not to mention, working out is an absolutely amazing stress-reliever for me.  However, without it, I found myself in a terrible cycle of feeling pretty terrible.  And, in turn not being able to give to others the way that I would like to.  I was just tired.

I'm now being told that I can 'be careful', but I can begin to workout.  My fear started to kick in with so many 'what ifs', but today, I pushed them all aside, and did a quick 20 minute workout that combines pilates and yoga.  I worked up small sweat, nothing crazy, but you know what?  I felt that feeling again.  That feeling of energy and being renewed.  The feeling of accomplishment.  And for the first time in nine months, I started to feel a little bit like me again.

Many times we workout because we want a result.  We want the six pack.  We want the thigh gap.  We want the biceps.  And I think all of that is fine.  Typically, that's why I'm working out too!  Last  year I was the healthiest and most fit I'd ever been, and, if I'm being honest, I feel that I've gone a long way down from that because of all of this.  Let me be clear, I made those choices, and, although there were times that I have certainly tried to remain healthy during IVF, there was this overwhelming feeling of being tired, and my feelings very often got in the way.  I'm sure there are women out there that could do much better than me in that regard.  But as I sit back and recall all that we've gone through this past year, I focused on other things, and other things were let go.

I remember hearing an illustration, that I can't recall where or how I heard it, but it said that you should view your life as a wheel with different spokes.  Each spoke represents something....work, health, family, finances, marriage, etc.  Now, we try our best to balance all of them, but when we give SPECIAL attention to one (For us it was infertility), it's really difficult to give full balance to the rest.  When I heard that, it made me feel a bit better.  I thought, 'okay, not everyone is perfect ALWAYS, and I can't be expected to be either.'

So.

This is me.  Starting again.  Working my way back.

Push open the door of that prison.  Don't let fear, shame, worry, anxiety, depression, WHATEVER, stop you.  You'll feel better when you start.  And be so glad when you finish.

Thanks for reading friends.


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